Multimedia Overload

The Joke That Never Dies

2007-11-27T12:42:00.000-08:00

In other words, it's my special collection of the best "Ron Paul" jokes I could find. Yes, these get old fast, but I am amused. So I force them on you. And no, you're not getting the lame one about exercising rights either.

1. Ron Paul doesn't cut taxes. He kills them with his bare hands.

2. Ron Paul doesn't sleep. He deliberates.

3. Ron Paul delivers babies without his hands. He simply reads them the
Bill of Rights and they crawl out in anticipation of freedom.

4. Ron Paul is 9 feet tall, but the weight of his conscience makes
him look shorter.

5. Greek myths acknowledge Ron Paul as the supreme being.

6. Ron Paul doesn't pee. He liberates urine. (favorite ^^)

7. Ron Paul could lead a horse to water AND convince it to drink, but he
doesn't believe that government has the right.

8. Ron Paul is wiser than Dumbledore.

9. When applied directly to the brain, Ron Paul instantly
cures socialism.

10. While not a proctologist, Ron Paul will save this country's ass.

11. Ron Paul knows how LOST is going to end.

12. Ron Paul could make soccer interesting.

13. Ron Paul's constituent particles are free to go at any
time, but stay together by unanimous mutual consent.

14. If Ron Paul had lived in Sparta, the movie would have been called "1".

15. If Truthism was a recognized religion, Ron Paul would
be its only Prophet.

16. Ron Paul once held a Congressional inquiry regarding the
2000 budget. There were no survivors.

17. Ron Paul is not watching you.

18. When Ron Paul was married, Thomas Jefferson was his best man.

19. Ron Paul is the only political virgin in the U.S. Congress;
he's never screwed America.

20. Chuck Norris has a list of 5 people not to mess with.
Ron Paul is all of them.

Yeah, I had to throw the last one in for the sake of old times. Enjoy.

Jonathan's Epic Guide to Epic Metal

2007-06-06T10:09:00.001-07:00

After putting in so much work to find good stuff, I figured I'd make a special guide.

1. It's all good. But seriously, it isn't really. I go in for symphonic metal. Not necessarily symphonic black/death/maim'n'eat metal. Symphonic power metal is a different beast. So, I've gone ahead and found the stuff I liked. And now I'm going to list it, in no particular order.

1. Nightwish. Need I say more? This band more or less invented symphonic metal and is the leader of the genre. The band's history can be divided into two parts: Tarja (by far the longest period) and not-Tarja (the period that's just started). Tarja Tarunen is/was the lead singer, with an amazing range and incomprehensible accent. The band itself is heavily symphonic, as in "almost forgets the metal sometimes it's so symphonic" symphonic. Regardless, it's the super-awesomest symphonic metal band ever. Heck, most awesomest metal band ever.
Essential listening: Nemo, Over the Hills and Far Away, I Wish I Had An Angel, and Nemo (over and over and over again, baby).

2. Within Temptation. Has been derided as "the poor man's Nightwish." Most emphatically not true, Within Temptation has its own unique style. The Silent Force more or less forgets metal, venturing into goth rock territory. But it's entirely cloaked, covered, and redeemed by the hauntingly beautiful voice of Sharon Den Adel, who possesses a stratospheric, yet extremely clear, voice. And despite being Eastern European, she is completely intelligible most of the time. Their new album is much harder and has a different feel, but doesn't suffer.
Essential listening: Angels, Memories, What Have You Done?, and Jillian.

3. Stratovarius. Now this is power metal. Only with symphonic elements to make it even greater. Unlike most epic metal bands, Stratovarius is not fronted by a woman, although Timo Kotipelto's range rivals many of them. It's traditional power metal, with its driving drums and guitars, yet the keys add an aura of elegance to an already amazing aural experience.
Essential Listening: Black Diamond, Infinity, Father Time, and Hunting High and Low.

4. Sonata Arctica. If you took the power metal tendencies of Stratovarius and added a shot of testosterone and then electrocuted the result, you'd have Sonata Arctica. It shares very little in common with traditional symphonic metal: it has a male vocalist, its focus is on the guitars and drums rather than the soaring keys, and Tony Kakko doesn't sing like a girl. So why is it here? Because it's just stinking awesome, and it does have some keys. While it isn't necessarily traditional symphonic metal, it has enough (choir, keys) to be classified that way.
Essential Listening: Paid In Full, 8th Commandment, My Land, and In Black and White.

5. Epica. If you hadn't guessed, this band's pretty epic. Kinda like Nightwish, only with more death-metally growls and "screams." Simone Simons has a range like no other...except Sharon Den Adel and Tarja Tarunen, among others. However, she is a distinctive enough vocalist to where this band makes the list.
Essential Listening: Beats me. Find something.

6. Leaves' Eyes. Not exactly the most metalloid of names, but then, it's not the most metalloid band (sounds cooler than metally). Their latest album, Vinland Saga, is a musical recounting of the voyage of Leif Erikson. It's somewhat reminiscent of the not-really-metal-but-still-really-cool band Theatre of Tragedy, at least as concerns the female vocals (i.e. they both remind me of Blondie). Still, it's fairly driven, and some songs still give me goosebumps ala Nemo. Most excellent.
Essential Listening: Tale of the Sea Maid, Elegy, Farewell Proud Men, and Legend Land.

7. Delain. A bit of an odd band, because it's more of a project than anything else. The centers are Martijn Westerholt, ex-keyboardist of Within Temptation (he quit because of a chronic health problem) and Charlotte Wessels, an unknown with a surprisingly poppy voice for the genre. What breaks these guys out of the mold is the company they keep: Martin Hietala from Nightwish, Sharon Den Adel from Within Temptation, and Liv Kristine from Leaves' Eyes, among others. And let's face it: we've always wanted to hear a duet between Sharon and Marco, right?
Essential Listening: No Compliance, Frozen, Day for Ghosts, and The Gathering.

And there's just so many other bands I could mention...matter of fact, we'll touch on them later. Now go out and get cultured!

Wildcat: Ted Grant

2007-05-06T15:23:00.000-07:00

And here we have the last of the old guard. General notes first:
* 52 ended with a bang. Why am I not surprised? New definition of comics awesome.
* Apparently all my Legion predictions are off and this thing is a lot bigger than I thought. Crap. Oh, well. Can't get too disappointed about something being bigger than I expected.
* Mash-ups rule. Seriously. Can you get anything more awesome than Green Day meets Dr. Who? How about Nelly Furtado vs. Michael Jackson? Or Green Day vs. Oasis vs. Travis vs. Aerosmith? I thought not.

Ted Grant is pretty normal, as far as DC heroes go. Not as normal as Batman, obviously, because no one that normal wears a cat mask. Still, he's old. People take it in stride anymore. But I guarantee you that it wouldn't pass muster (cut mustard?) anymore.

Teddy started out as a boxer. Still is, but we won't get too far ahead of ourselves. He was a pretty darn good one, apparently, but he wasn't a favorite in a fight. So, his unscrupulous managers did the sensible thing and drugged the opponent. Too much. And he died. Crud. So, Grant ran like a Pink Floyd song and decided to try and figure out why the other guy died. Grabbing his influence from a Green Lantern comic (remember that guy? Probably not...), he made an equally dorky looking costume and managed to unframe himself. He grew up to be a huge heavyweight star (well, he wasn't huge huge, just popular) before his retirement. Then, he just trained people. Y'know, like Batman or Catwoman. Even Superman. Told you this guy has skills.

At any rate, he's also really ancient, so turns out, he also has an excuse to still be alive. At some point in his long and illustrious career (probably one of the low points of reading), Ted managed to get 9 lives. Yeah. That's why he's still in good shape. He's lost them all now, so he's actually getting old again.

I'm wondering at this point whether the old farts of the above are going to start getting really old and dying yet. The answer is: these are comics. Don't count on it.

Next, we get to the junior members of the Society. Not like you care.

The Flash: Jay Garrick

2007-05-01T08:44:00.000-07:00

Well, couple notes first from other comics:
No 1: I was completely right about the old LoSH coming back. Now it's just a matter of recording my guesses for posterity. There's seven, two of whom are already found. There's two more guaranteed, bringing the total to four. Two others have been hinted at in a way that seems fairly likely. So, that leaves one that I have no idea about. So I'll just guess Mysa, the White Witch, because I liked her. But, in all fairness, it could be anyone. And anyone reading this has no clue what I'm talking about. Pick up the JSA/JLA crossover. At least wait for the TPB (Trade Paper Back - collection of comics into one economic purchase).

At any rate, about Jay Garrick. This man was the first Flash, which means that he necessarily had a pretty stupid beginning. He was a chemist at...somewhere or another (who cares anyway?) experimenting with - you guessed it - heavy water. Not ice. And, of course, he carelessly spills it and exposes himself to EXPERIMENTAL HEAVY WATER FUMES! No dumber than radioactive space clouds, of course, but still...

At any rate, it turns out that EXPERIMENTAL HEAVY WATER FUMES give you the ability to run REALLY REALLY FAST! And the ability to TALK IN CAPITALS A LOT! Retcons suggest that the vaporous fumes triggered a metagene, which is the DCU form of mutant, only it makes a little more sense, cos there's less of them. At any rate, with Great Power Comes Great Responsibility (Trademarked Stan Lee, all rights reserved. Use in parodies is strictly prohibited. Violaters will be forced to write cheesy radioactive origins for the rest of their lives), he decides to...become a football player. Yeah, it's about time someone actually came up with a useful use of superspeed. And then, he borrowed his old man's helmet from WWI, put Mercury wings on it, and became the first Flash.

Now, you can't knock poor Jay, because without him, there wouldn't have been a Wally, and the Justice League TV show would have been a lot more boring. And it's notable that he became a lot more interesting recently than he used to be. Now, his origin is back in the 40s, and he's still alive...today. So, obviously, there's a little age skipping that has to be done. Jay encountered a mysterious DC entity called The Speed Force.

Speed Force - A mysterious energy that gives all the Flashes with names other than Jay the ability to run really fast. Jay, it just makes him run even faster. It's also a handy deus ex machina for dodging little questions such as durability and breaking every natural law this side of...anywhere.

At any rate, one other little handy function of the Speed Force involved holding off Jay's inevitable decreptitude. When it went away a couple years ago, Jay's speed went down to about the speed of sound, and he's now losing speed on a count of being a geezer. He's one of the three old men of the JSA, and the nicest of them. Like the grandpa that you'd like to have.

Summary of Powers: RUNS REALLY REALLY FAST cos of HEAVY WATER FUMES! STUPID RADIOACTIVITY!

Green Lantern: Alan Scott

2007-04-05T07:22:00.000-07:00

Couple notes, first. How many people think that it's friggin' awesome that a group of mad scientists will first capture one of the most powerful heroes in the world, mind control him, and then sell him to the highest bidder? I mean, sheesh, mad scientists mind-control people all the time, but then sell them off? That's freakin' brilliant! I really can't wait to see who buys him. The people who buy 52 all know that WWIII happens in week 50. This last issue was week 48. And yet, despite knowing the ending, it's still a great ride.

Given that JSA seems to be building up to something, I'm going to go out on a limb and hazard my guesses as to what the changes will be in a place where I can confirm that I got it right before it happened. I'm guessing that JSA is leading up to an un-re-reboot of the Legion of Superheroes, who have a long and complicated history, and if they get rebooted, I'll get into that. But I need to record that so I can gloat when I'm proved right.

And now to the actual business of setting up. There are three co-founders of the JSA, at least that are still around. These three are theoretically in their nineties, but due to comic book wheedling and squirming around nature, they're not. We start with Alan Scott, the very first Green Lantern, who doesn't look much like the other ones at all, as you probably noted from the picture.

Scott's powers (as well as his lack of wheelchair/diapers) are tied up in a power ring. You know, the glowing thing on his finger. His ring (you can't tell from here) looks like a real lantern, rather than the distinctive stylized appearance of the other Green Lanterns. This would be because he made it himself. Out of a mystical collection of energy known as the Starheart, which, of course, the Oans put together.

Oans/Guardians of the Universe - A bunch of little blue guys who, if the Green Lanterns are involved, are never far behind, and have actually had a lot to do with everything (though I don't think they really pushed Kal-El's spaceship to Earth, cummon). Generally seen as a tricky bunch of [censored].

At any rate, the Guardians really hated magic, and so they started collecting as much as possible and formed into a single piece - the Starheart. As it turned out, they didn't do a very good job. There was lot left, for starters, and they lost the Starheart. It plummeted to Earth via a strange coincidence, and a man named Alan Scott found it. It told him (it was magic, after all) to make a ring out of it, and so he did. The magic energies keep his bowels and musculature from failing, so while he doesn't look exactly young, he's still functional.

He's had two children, Jade (who died during a Crisis) and Obsidian (who is still alive, albeit gay, and the JSA security guard [cos he turns into a living shadow and runs around on the walls and it's pretty cool]). He's happily married. Oh, and he's missing an eye due to a teleporter accident, which has since been replaced by a glowing green orb that sees ghosts (because the energy came from his dead daughter, Jade, who also had lantern powers without wearing a ring, because of weird genetics).

Summary of powers: Magic ring - flight + energy manipulation. Sees spirits, but that doesn't make a lot of difference. (Told you that DC characters didn't have as many powers as Marvel ones)

In Which Jonathan Finally Gets to the Beautious Concept of Reviewing (How Novel)

2007-03-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

Well, enough prattle. I intend to and shall review the rawther amazing comic Justice Society of America. After a lot of background information.

One of the downsides of comics is that it's dashed hard to go in without some form of background knowledge. This is easier in some comics than others. For example, everyone knows that Spiderman is good and Venom is bad and that it's pretty stinkin' cool when they fight. So, if you see a Spiderman comic with the titular character duking it out with Venom or the Hobgoblin or something, then you really don't need to look anything up to understand the whole face-punching mess. But when you see Jay Garrick (the pot-head Flash) vs. Baroness Blitzkrieg, then you really ought to find out who these people are.

That and I'd like to find out how the JLA/JSA crossover ends, because it looks to be universe shattering (again, only bigger). So, since that'll take three months, I'll need a good bit of stretch time. So, each week, I'll detail one "main" character until we get through with them. Then you review a comic, and have to start over to get the new characters in, because they all came from somewhere. JSA is arguably the comic with the absolute most background information necessary to fully enjoy it. It's full out geek-on. Which is why I love it so.

So, the Justice Society itself is very old. It was established by Franklin D. Roosevelt (comics have no shame about messing with history, buddy) to fight in WWII, although they were unable to invade Europe because Adolf Hitler had the Spear of Destiny, whose undefined mystical powers stopped that kind of thing. It was originally a team for heroes who didn't have their own books, which was why Superman and Batman weren't on it. Then, the rules changed when they invented the multiverse, and Superman and Batman were on it, they were just older and on Earth-2 instead of Earth-1 (somehow). And then the rules changed again and the multiverse was destroyed, putting them all back on the same earth and messing things up again. To fix this irritating little difficulty, the editors (curse them) merged the whole team with Norse Gods and left them fighting Ragnarok forever. Naturally, this didn't fly, so they came up with some stupid reason to pull them out and brought them back for a new book, which flopped. Then they killed them off in the godawful Zero Hour: Crisis in Time, but everyone who died in that book somehow either survived or was resurrected.

Finally, however, someone gave Geoff Johns the book, and he instilled new life in the characters. Superman and Batman were still never involved, but it became a family book (well, sort of). The book was about the ties of the DC Universe, how the people knew each other, were related, how the kids got trained, etc. And that's where we pick up with character studies...

A New Deal, Plus a Column About Cheesecake, Albeit Not Mocha (Which I Adore)

2007-03-25T17:42:00.000-07:00

Ok, here's the deal. You give me a comment, I will work my rear end off to get you a new update. You don't give me a comment, I'll laze around for awhile waiting, then update it anyway. I know you all don't hate me that bad, so at least let me know that someone's reading the stupid thing.

Now that those preliminaries are finished, I'm going to open with a haiku to kinda prep for the actual column. This was written by a couple people who are absolutely hilariously geeky and and hilarious period on the subject of comics. http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=338

Bazooms, huge bazooms!
Grow when the Witchblade is worn.
Humungous bazooms!

That's right, it's a post about breasts. Or, rather, the overabundance of the things. I think it's safe to say that most, if not all, women have some form and size of these appendages. However, no one has more than the comic book woman. And...this is bad. And I'm totally not gay, thanks for asking.

http://www.newsarama.com/DC/June07/JLA10.html

Click the link for an example of sheer and overdone cheesecake. Obviously, if you happen to be easily offended, I would recommend not clicking the link. Or easily lusty.

http://forum.newsarama.com/showthread.php?t=106212

The pictures really express my views on the subject quite adequately. Well, the first two sets, anyway.

And all that being said, I've got to go get a cold shower. Laterz.

The Lazy Gamer Project

2007-03-15T08:07:00.000-07:00

The Lazy Gamer Project is one near and dear to my heart. I like to play games. So do a lot of people. Unfortunately, sometimes these games will get me stuck (read: Water Temple). So I, like a heckuva lot of other people, have to go find a walkthrough. But the walkthrough will be more or less completely unreadable and long, filled with unnecessary statistics and things. Who needs all that hardcore gamer whatsit? I just want to find a way to kill this stupid boss! So, after spending forever trying to puzzle through a Zelda: OoT walkthrough, I said, screw this, I'll make it myself.

So I did. I stole his research and general know-how and combined it with my writing skills to make something generally readable. Then I figured, "Hey! I can do this for any game!" And I was right.

Well, sort of. I decided to do Final Fantasy X next. I didn't expect it to be my life's work. I swear, the guide, when I got it, was over a thousand pages. I've cut it to 300 and I'm still working on it. And I have to figure out how much endgame material I'm going to pull, because it is that hardcore. 500 hours hardcore. *sigh*

So, if anyone wants me to do a game or anything, it'd be a welcome break. I'm getting ready to move on to FF X-2. I'm a glutton for punishment.

Beginning of Transfer

2007-03-13T09:48:00.000-07:00

I completely forgot two important subsections of crap.

The Occasional Movie Review: I do occasionally watch films, and I do enjoy thrusting my opinions onto everyone else.
The Obligatory Theological Rants: I do like ranting on theology and doctrine and what.

Right. Now that we've got that out of the way, I'm going to go grab the important stuff off of the Xanga. Starting with the introduction to the Comics Propaganda Unit.

My ultimate goal is to make you read comics, because I’m tired of being one out of two people I know who do. Thus, I want to get you peoples to acknowledge that comics are cool and actually worthy of throwing money after. In order to do this, and to make myself happy by providing a reasonable resource, I’m going to give you a bunch of background information so you can actually pick a book up without getting too confused.

Note that I said “a bunch” instead of “all the.” I don’t read nearly enough books for that, and none of them are rated “Your Mom Will Have a Fit (YMWHF).” I can’t afford it, and I sure as heck don’t want my mom to have a fit. Well, actually, all comics are rated My Mom Will Have a Fit, but there's not much I can do about that. So, you’re going to be getting mostly DC, because I’m debating picking up one Marvel book. I realize that I’m hurting the feelings of the loyal Marvelites out there, but I’ve got my reasons…

First, DC is simultaneously more and less mature. On the less side, the books I read aren’t rated YMWHFBSCBAHG (the BSCBAHG stands for Because Some Chick’s Boobs Are Hanging Out, a common downfall of Marvel). Well, other than Powergirl. And she honestly doesn’t count. There are a lot of Mature books, but those are all Vertigo (the mature/indie branch of DC), and they don’t count cos I don’t read them. Meanwhile, DC books are more mature when it comes to subject matter (like The Killing Joke or Batman: Year One, for instance. The Killing Joke is possibly the tops on that). It’s a happy thing.

Closely tied to the previous is that at DC, what happens frequently stays happened. I refer, of course, to resurrections, depowers, and who knows what. Did you know that in the 80s, Storm was depowered, grew a Mohawk, and ran around with a machine gun? Currently, it’s back to normal. Things reverted to the status quo. Barbara Gordon (Batgirl – Oracle) was crippled by the Joker in the 90s. At the moment, she’s still in a wheelchair. She’s made some slight improvement, but odds are she’ll never be out of it. A Marvel hero/ine or villain/ess dies outside an event…it’s a matter of time before they come back. DC, it’s rather uncertain. And even big-names stay dead. It’s a frightening world in the DCU, and rather more realistic, tying back into number one.

A very important reason for me is that DC books tend to be more intelligent than Marvel books. A lot of people disagree with me here (especially citing Superman), but think about it. Someone thinks up a hero for a Marvel book, and he’s got superpowers. Bam(f)! You’ve got yet another mutant, even though it doesn’t really make any sense that a genetic mutation would give you the ability to open a personal dimension (ala Nightcrawler) or use magic (take your pick). DC has metahumans, which are basically mutants, but very few of them are heroes. Most heroes have a real origin that makes some modicum of sense (I’ll admit that Green Arrow still makes no sense). Without any radioactive spiders (save Ambush Bug) or space clouds.

And, most importantly for me, I like DC characters. I can remember most of them (as opposed to the Incredibly Astonishing Astoundingly Amazing Spectacular X-Men-iles-Factors-Dudes, of whom I can only remember a few key members), for starts. They’re also typically less over-powered, even including heroes without superpowers or suits other than Nick Fury and the Punisher. And even the Punisher goes over the top.

So that’s my reasons. And I’ll probably still pick a Marvel book and see if I can kinda get a feel for the place. I refuse to touch Civil War, though. I hold by the Greg Rucka joke, “What do the Backstreet Boys and Civil War have in common?” I trust you can fill-in a punchline. At any rate, what kinda stuff are you going to be either reading or ignoring? I have full intentions of updating a couple times a week (read: whenever I can friggin’ make time). I’ll start out with some background history of the DCU (because honestly, I don’t know Marvel history). A lecture (read: rant) on how comics are fan-fiction perfected. Some monographs on technology and magic and dimensions and deities and whatnot. Meanwhile, while I’m busy rambling on, I’ll be kinda getting my modern collection up a little (most important bit there). Then, I start reviewing and summarizing and stuff. I’m even going to throw in reviews of really out-of-date books that are currently being wrapped in plastic bags and sitting in my closet. Oh, and occasional creator bios, for people like Geoff Johns or Keith Giffen. And hopefully frequent character bios, with pictures and more interesting stuff than Wiki.

Oh, and if anyone (highly unlikely) was completely persuaded by my little rant to run out and buy a bunch of comics, you can see my pick list. I’ve still got one blank spot with a lot of books fighting over it, because I need to stay within $20 a month. Current frontrunner is New Excalibur, because I need a Marvel book (and Nocturne is friggin’ haught). Also in the running are Green Lantern (cos it’s a Geoff Johns book, which is usually a good sign of quality), Batman (cos Batman’s awesome), and since last week, Supergirl, because Ale Garza does a beautiful Kara, which is enough to make me overlook a lot of crap.

52 ($2.50, weekly)
Teen Titans ($2.99, monthly)
Justice Society of America ($2.99, monthly – highly recommended)
?

Right on. Erm...I guess I'll add another one tomorrow.

Welcomes?

2007-03-12T09:53:00.000-07:00

Right. So, I guess if we're opening this baby up, then we ought to state our point and purposes, eh? The title is quite accurate. I have multimedia issues, combined with extreme laziness. This has interesting side-effects. Hence, I have a couple-to-a-few different efforts bound up here.

The Comics Propaganda Unit: I read comic books. You don't. You ought to. Hence why I write about comic books.
The Lazy Gamer Project: I'm a lazy gamer. I theorize that there's a lot of other lazy gamers out there, who get stuck somewhere in the game and want to go find a walkthrough to get unstuck and/or get all the best lewt. Unfortunately, most game walkthroughs are written by people who have played the game 18 different times and write scientific treatises on them (albeit with poor spelling and grammar). I, with my business writing training, go and steal other people's work, edit it, and then shamefully pass it off as my own.
Random Life Updates: Amazingly, I do have one. And I enjoy bothering people with it.

Soo...there you have it. True updates will be forthcoming.